


An Education

by steamandstardust



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, PRATCHETT Terry - Works
Genre: Drinking to Cope, F/M, Magic, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 12:12:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17528486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steamandstardust/pseuds/steamandstardust
Summary: Evangeline is the only female student at the Unseen University, and a life of study is beginning to take its toll. Feeling lonely, she decides to crack out the bottle of emergency triple strength radish moonshine.Before she knows it, she has summoned Death, awkwardly propositioned him, and drunk all of the booze.





	An Education

It isn't easy being the only female student at the Unseen University. It may be groundbreaking and terribly forward thinking and, of course, a champion move for gender equilibrium and suchlike, but it is not easy. The reasons for the lack of ease are multiple (and we're not just talking about the difficulty of crushing toes into those damned pointy shoes)* but the main one is that the university is filled with men. 

 

Evangeline was no stranger to men, but these men were.... different. None of the usual rules seemed to apply here. They were interested in books, and food and regularly timed naps. They most certainly were not interested in women, not even well educated and frankly quite good looking ones. And it was this rather frustrating truth that Evangeline was mulling over as she sat in her room by candlelight, utterly failing to complete here assignment on relative geomancy.

 

She pushed the sheets of parchment aside and and replaced her quill in the inkwell with rather too much force, sending a splattering of ink over both the desk and herself. 

"Blow this!" She exclaimed to nothing in particular. 

 

On arrival, she had been told that there was a bottom locked drawer in her writing desk for dire emergencies only. Drowning in a stagnant pool of foulest boredom felt like a serious emergency right now, and, in that spirit, she broke the glass housing the tiny brass key and opened the drawer. She was expecting an ancient spell book, perhaps a magic amulet or even a portal to another dimension. She was disappointed. What the drawer did in fact house was a very dusty bottle of Mrs Pigsworthy's triple strength radish moonshine.**

 

Evangeline shrugged and extracted the cork. The drink smelt of radishes which have been left in water for too long. 

"Cheers," she toasted her empty room. 

 

An hour later, half of the the radish moonshine was gone. As was the entirety of Evangeline's rational brain, dignity and self control. She was flicking through her spell books looking for something dangerous. 

"Summoning a Demi-demon? Boring! Transforming all people in a two mile radius into stick insects..." she paused for a moment here, "probably wouldn't get noticed. Now what do we have here?"

She smoothed the page flat and skimmed through the instructions with interest. "The rite of AshkEnte. This looks more like it!"

 

A fair amount of chanting and drunk stumbling later, a darkness began to creep over the room. The flame of the candle guttered and shrank away as a tall dark figure materialised in front of Evangeline.

 

"YOU SUMMONED ME."

 

"Yes!" Evangeline punched the air and promptly fell over. 

"I AM UNUSED TO SUCH ENTHUSIASM." 

"I can't believe it really worked, I mean, here you are, in the flesh. That's a metaphor. 

"I AM AWARE."

"And you really do look like all the pictures. When they say your robes are blacker than midnight they really do mean that. I couldn't imagine anything blacker than midnight but now I am fully aware that your robes are, in fact, blacker."

"CAN I HELP YOU?"

"Pardon?"

"HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME TO ASK SOME IMPORTANT QUESTION?"

"Oh, no. I was just really bored. And horny. Sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"I SEE. I AM VERY BUSY YOU KNOW."

"I hear that a lot. Don't you ever want to, you know, kick back and let your hair down. That is also, uh, an expression."

"HOW WOULD YOU PROPOSE I DID THAT? BY CONSUMING SOME OF THAT FERMENTED RADISH LIQUID?"

"That would be a good start."

"YOU ARE AWARE THAT THE THIRD MAIN INGREDIENT IS URINE?"

Evangeline scowled and then shrugged her shoulders. It was a bit late to worry about technicalities like that.

"I am now," she replied, offering the bottle. 

 

Another half an hour passed, in which time all the remaining radish moonshine was consumed. Evangeline was, as the gentry say, completely blotto. Death was playing along with the experience. 

"So, hic, what do you do on your days off?" 

"I DON'T HAVE DAYS OFF."

"Favourite colour?"

"BLACK. IT GOES WITH EVERYTHING."

"Brunettes or, hic, blondes?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"You heard me."

"DO YOU MEAN, WOULD I HYPOTHETICALLY PREFER TO MATE WITH HUMAN FEMALES WITH BROWN PIGMENTATION OR HUMAN FEMALES WITH YELLOW PIGMENTATION?"

"Yes, close enough."

Death paused. "I HAVE NEVER GIVEN IT MUCH THOUGHT."

"Much!" Exclaimed Evangeline, pointing a finger, "that means you have given it some!"

"SOME WAYS THAT PEOPLE DIE PROVOKE.... QUESTIONS."

"Such as 'was it worth it?' And 'what is it like?'"

Death paused again. If there had been any blood in his body it would have made its way to his cheeks. 

"YES."

"Would you like to find out?" There was a lengthy and quite awkward pause, in which time Death made what might be called a bad life decision. Except, for him, it was just a decision.

"YES," he said. 

 

Evangeline pursed her lips in concentration, her mind somewhere between aroused and tackling a new magical experiment. She pulled herself into the desk and sat with her legs dangling off the edge. 

"You will need to come closer,"

She advised. 

"YES, AHEM."

 

Up close, Death was very tall indeed. He was also extremely nervous, and for once very thankful for his limited range of facial expressions. Suddenly, Evangeline was back in a scenario she understood. 

"It's your first time, so I'll help you," she said.

"I THINK I MAY BE LACKING IMPORTANT APPENDAGES....."

"Let's use our imagination."

 

Evangeline pulled herself up to kneeling on the desk. Death's robes smelt of horse and the dust of a hundred countries. He leaned closer and she kissed his cheek bone, then down the vertebrae of his neck, while her hand found his and entwined it. Guiding his bony fingers, she unfastened her dress and let it fall loose at her shoulders, baring her pert breasts to his touch. 

"Oh gods...." she whispered, "what am I doing?"

"I THINK 'WHO' IS MORE APPROPRIATE."

Evangeline tilted her head back and laughed, she couldn't help it. This was insane, and it was dangerous, and she wasn't sure it was even entirely possible, but there was one thing that was beyond any doubt: she wanted it. Badly. 

 

Hitching up her skirt, she guided Death's hand down her body, tracing the curve of her thighs towards the heat between them. She gasped as cool bone brushed her moist flesh and, overtaken by her need, slid her fingers inside herself. Despite his lack of experience, her lover soon had the idea and she leant against him, chest heaving with eager breaths as his fingers worked inside her. The pleasure was building, the muscles in her body tensing as she was pushed towards cumming.

"I THINK I GET THE IDEA OF THIS," Death mused. 

"I think... you.... more than get it," Evangeline gasped. 

"WHAT DO WE DO NOW?"

"Uh, now is... when... the appendages would come into play," Evangeline managed to say, her fingers groping for the spell book she had left on the desk. It was proving extremely difficult to think, for some reason, but in a somewhat dusty corner of her mind there was something: something to help with this situation. Another spell. 

Her hand had just closed on the book when her body came to a shuddering climax. Overwhelmed for a moment, she arched back, bathing in the sheer bliss of it. 

"Oh my, you are very good at that!" She exclaimed. 

"THANK YOU."

"I want to try something, something that will let you enjoy this properly." She dragged the book in front of her face, flicking hurriedly through the pages. "Aha!"

 

Some very mediocre chanting later, which was an achievement in itself as Death showed no sign of giving up practicing his new skill, and there was a change in the air. Time stretched out thin for a moment, squeaked with resistance, and then snapped back into place. Evangeline felt the fingers sliding inside her thicken with flesh and she let out a cry of pleasure and surprise.

"What have you done?" Asked the man wrapped between her thighs.

"Dear gods," Evangeline sighed, "look at you!"

Death pulled away to view himself in a long mirror stood in the corner of the room. Instead of his usual reflection, he was greeted by a tall, slim gentleman, with neatly swept back white hair and bright blue eyes. The only thing that may have stood out as remarkable was a strange agelessness to his appearance... but numerous things could have caused that phenomenon.***

"How long will this last?" He asked. 

"Maybe a few hours," Evangeline replied. 

There was a definite glint in his eyes as he strode back over to the desk and threw her down along the length of it.

"I have always wondered..." he muttered, as she eagerly pulled up his robes, revealing a perfect and very much erect cock.

He kissed her deeply, her body rising to his in anticipation as they pressed tingling skin to skin. 

"Well stop wondering, and start fucking me!" She begged.

He pressed the tip of his cock against her wet pussy, gently exploring, savouring each sensation. Slowly, he slid inside her, pushing as deep as he could go and crying out as he filled her completely with his impressive erection. It was more than he could have imagined, an all consuming primal need which short circuited the rational brain and drove a jolt of electricity into his very core. In that moment he understood why people fought, and lied and died for this. 

"It is... very enjoyable," he managed to say, his borrowed body taken over by unfamiliar impulses. He thrust hard, over and over, his lips and hands finding Evangeline's breasts and caressing the smooth skin. Finally, yet another unfamiliar sensation seized him and he once again buried his throbbing cock in her eager pussy, this time exploding with cum. A moan of pleasure tore from his lips, blending with Evangeline's cries and she clung to him, climaxing simultaneously. 

 

For a few moments they lay in an exhausted heap, only their breathing stirring the stillness of the room. One set of breaths slowed and slowed...

Death kissed Evangeline on the forehead and the last of the spell burnt out. 

"THANK YOU FOR THE EDUCATION," he said, "I WILL NOT FORGET IT."

 

 

*a good rubbing over with lard helps with that, even if it does mean half the population of stray dogs choose you as their god.

 

**Which some researchers claim is, in fact, simultaneously a spell, a magic amulet and a portal to another dimension. Other researchers claim, believably, to be dead. 

 

***including, in the beholder, alcohol, state altering substances and not getting any action in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Terry Pratchett is an absolute hero of mine, so I hope his ghost regards this with good humour. I had a good crack at imitating his unique style.


End file.
